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Irish Jokes – One Liners

Written on February 5, 2016

Irish Jokes – One Liners

to remember for Paddy’s Day….
The Doctor was puzzled ‘I’m very sorry Mr O’Flaherty, but I can’t diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.’
‘Don’t worry about it Dr Cullen, I’ll come back when you’re sober
[hr]
The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
[hr]
Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you’d gone.
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‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green. ‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.
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‘How far is it to the next village?’ asked the American tourist. ‘It’s about seven miles,’ guessed the farmer. ‘But it’s only five if you run!’
[hr]
‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath. ‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
[hr]
‘I’d like some nails,’ Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. ‘How long would you like them?’ asked the man. ‘Forever, if that’s all right with you,’ said Mick.
[hr]
‘I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!’
[hr]
The walls in my flat, says Murphy, are so thin, that every time I ask my wife a question, I
get three different answers…
[hr]

How do you confuse an Irishman? Put two shovels against a wall, and tell him to take his Pick…
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How would you recognise an Irish dog? It walks backwards and waggels its head..
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How would you recognise an Irishman in Holland? He’s the one wearing the wooden wellies…

How would you recognise an Irish pirate? He’s the one with patches over both eyes…
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Did ya hear about the Irishwoman with five legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove…
[hr]

Paddy says to O’Toole, Now that we’ve won the lottery what’ ll we do about the beggen
letters ? Ah says O,Toole, we,ll just keep sending them…
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What do you call an irishman whos been dead for 50yrs…Peat…
[hr]

Cheers…And may ye be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows yer dead…
[hr]

Did you know says Murphy, there’s twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people…
[hr]
Did you hear about the Irishman that tried to blow up a car,??? He burnt his mouth on the
exhaust pipe…
[hr]

Irish dog sitting in front of the fire chewing on a bone, When he stood up his leg fell off…
[hr]

Two Irishmen stopped by the police for jaywalking, Name ? said the sergeant to one, O’Conner
says the first one, Address ? says the sergeant, No fixed abode says O’Conner, And you. said
the sergeant, looking at the other, O’Brian, and I live in the flat above him…
[hr]

Did you hear Ireland’s solved their unemployment problem? You don’t leave school till you are 65…
[hr]

Paddy was looking through The Bible in his hotel room when a leaflet fell from between the pages.
It said “if you have a drink problem ring this number”. Paddy did, and he got an Off -licence in
Royal Avenue…
[hr]

Mick, said the barmaid,” What’s those two bulges in the front of your trousers”? AH said Mick
they are hand grenades, for the next time that bum bandit O’Shaunessey tries to put his hands
down there I’ll blow the bloody hands off him…
[hr]

Man half Irish and half Scottish wants a pint, but cant bring himself about to pay for it…
[hr]

Two irishmen heading home from the pub on a friday night…What’s that lying there says
Murphy, looking at the wee brown ball on the pavement. It looks like dope says O,Connell
picking it up, he squeezes it, smells it, and throws it down fast saying, shit man its dogs
dirt….Jaysus says Murphy arn’t you lucky ya didn’t stand on it…
[hr]

Hey, says O’Toole to the landlord, I didn’t get my change outta that machine!!…And they say
change is inevitable replies the landlord…eh!! replies O’Toole, am I gettin ma change or not!!…
[hr]

What do ya call a leprechaun covered in cement,???…a wee hard man…
[hr]

See they’ve found a cure for arthritis says O’Leary, about time replies O’Gill, aye says
O’Leary it says here they take all your bones out, not only do you feel a lot better you also feel
much more relaxed…
[hr]

Paddy caught cheating in his school exams asked the teacher how she found out. “It was easy “
replied the teacher…Murphy sitting in front of you put down for question number 10 “ I don’t
know” and you put down, “neither do I”..
[hr]

All that money you had and now your skint says O’Kane to Murphy..what did you do with it all,?
I spent most of it on women and drink and squandered the rest says Murphy…
[hr]

Paddy, says Mary, if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with
you? My uncle Mick replies Paddy…What’s so special about him asks Mary? He’s got a boat
says Paddy…
[hr]
Paddy asks Murphy” what’s that gong for you have hanging on the wall? That’s my speaking
clock replies Murphy. How does that work asks Paddy? Murphy opens a drawer and gets out a
hammer and thumps the gong, and a voice replies…for God’s sake not again – its 2 o clock in the
morning…

Dwarf goes into a British army recruiting office in Belfast to join up, but is refused because of
his height. You could go over the border and try the Irish army. Will they take me he asks,
they should he’s told, isn’t their national anthem…soldiers are wee…
[hr]

Ugly girl came up to me in Donnegan’s Pub the other night and asked me what reincarnation
means? I told her it means when you die you can come back as something else. She said ”when
I die I want to come back as a dog” . I said “you are not bloody listening to me are you love’!!…
[hr]

Paddy the Chink goes for an interview for a job at Belfast shipyard, he gets it and is told he
will be working in the stores with Murphy and is in charge of supplies. Can you handle that he is
asked? sure Paddy the Chink replies, I can do supplies. 10 minutes later Maguire goes to the stores
to get some nails and out of one of the empty boxes in the corner jumps Paddy the Chink waving
his arms and shouting..supplies, supplies..
[hr]

Irish Scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you…the more you have the
longer you live…
[hr]

Paddy thought Johnny Cash was change from a condom machine…he also thought Moby Dick was
a venereal disease…
[hr]

Paddy, How is it when you’re drunk you can’t remember peoples’ names?…I’m not sure Murphy,
replies Paddy, I think it must be a gift..