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Irish, English & Scots Jokes

Irish, English & Scots Jokes

Enjoy and share these classic jokes.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each left 5,000 pounds by a rich man on condition that after his death they would each put 100 pounds into his coffin in case he needed it in the afterlife. The Englishman and the Irishman duly put in their hundred pounds. The Scotsman took out the 200 pounds and put in a cheque (check) for 300 pounds.”

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling “spit it out, spit it  out  you bastard”

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.” The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath”,


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Irish, English & Scots Jokes

There’s an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They’re being chased by a Garda. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and sees these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The Englishman shouts out, “Woof Woof”, and the copper thinking it’s just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, “Me-ow me-ow”, he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. “Potatoes Potatoes..!”

Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen, and two Irishmen were stranded on a desert island. It wasn’t long before the Scotsmen started a Caledonian Club and were playing the bagpipes, tossing the caber and eating haggis. The two Welshmen started an Eisteddford and were soon competing against each other in a song and dance. The two Irishmen started a Ceilidh and downed a few pints of Guinness. The two Englishmen went to opposite ends of the island and would not speak to each other because they had never been properly introduced.

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all stranded on an island. They’ve been there for years, when one day the Englishman finds a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops a genie. “Oh thank you master” says the genie, “I will grant you all one wish! ” The Englishman says…”Oh how I’d love to be at Lords sipping a Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket”  Big flash, cloud of smoke and he’s gone! The Scotsman says…”see you Jimmy,I wish I was at Hampden Park with a few mates watching the football”. Big flash , cloud of smoke and he’s gone! The Irishman says “Bejesus its gonna be awful lonely here without them, can you bring them back”????

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went to a party. The Englishman took six bottles of beer.
The Irishman took six crates of Guinness. The Scotsman took six friends.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all stranded in a desert and somehow manage to find a deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said “We’ll sort it out by who you support”. The Englishman said “I support Liverpool so I’ll have the Liver”. Then the Scotsman said “I support Hearts so I’ll have the heart”. The Irishman said “I support Arsenal but I’m not that hungry!”

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught by partisans of a downtrodden Arab sheik, who decided that they must be shot. The three remembered that the partisans were scared to death of natural disasters, and that it might be possible to escape. The Englishman was taken out to be shot, and suddenly looked to the left and yelled, “Flood!” There was instant chaos and the Englishman escaped. When order hand been restored, the Scotsman was taken out to be shot. He suddenly looked to the right and yelled, “Sandstorm!” Again there was chaos, and the Scotsman escaped. Then the Irishman was taken out. He looked straight ahead at the troops and yelled, “Fire!”. And they did…

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ”There’s a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy.” The Scot is not impressed and says, ”That’s nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.” At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ”That’s nothing. In Dublin there’s this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.” The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ”No, but my sister told me about it.”