Irish Logic Jokes
Logical Irish Jokes
‘Hello, Mary, how’s your new false teeth?’ asked Bridget.
I’m leaving them out till I get used to them’ said Mary.
‘I’ve bought a new clock,’ boasted Clancy. ‘It goes eight days without winding.’
‘How long does it go if you do wind it?’ asked the barman.
As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high. ‘Begod,’ she said to husband Seamus, ‘when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn’t think you meant upwards!!’
The drunk rang Dublin airport and inquired: ‘How long does it take to fly to New York from Dublin?’
‘Just a second,’ said the receptionist. Thank you,’ said the drunk and replaced the phone.
‘Wasn’t it tragic about my brother Michael,’ moaned Kelly. ‘Women and whiskey killed him.’ ‘Is that so?’ sympathised O’Toole. ‘Yes, he couldn’t get either so he hung himself!’
‘Have you decided what to buy your missus for Christmas?’ asked McPhee. ‘Sure, she decided it for me,’ answered Kelly. ‘She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I’ve bought her a pack of cards!’
‘Listen boys,’ said the football coach. ‘We’ve got to equalise before they score or we’ve got no chance!’
‘We’re in trouble today,’ said the coach. ‘Everything in our favour is against us!’
When Dublin played Down in the all-Ireland final, it was the only case in history when 30,000 people carried banners saying – ‘Up Down!’
‘It looks as if it may get foggy later on,’ said the match referee. ‘So just to be sure, I suggest we play extra time first.’
There were five horses in the race and Murphy had backed numbers one, two, three and four. ‘What won?’ he asked the bookie. ‘Number 5,’ was the answer. ‘Do you know,’ said Murphy, ‘that was the one I was afraid of!’
‘Honestly Father,’ said Biddie McGrath. ‘Your sermons are a wonder to behold. Sure we didn’t know what sin was till you came to the parish!’
‘We’re almost out of ammunition,’ shouted the soldier to Sergeant Casey. ‘Don’t let the enemy know,’ called Casey. ‘Keep firing!’
Have you heard about the Irish firing squad that stood in a circle?
‘I’m a member of the Irish Secret Service,’ boasted Murphy. ‘And I don’t care who knows it!’
‘You lot are a complete disgrace,’ bellowed the sergeant major. ‘That’s the worst straight line I’ve ever seen. All fall out and come and take a look at it!