Irish One-Liner Jokes
Irish One-Liner Jokes
Enjoy Irish wit at its best!
Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you’d gone.
‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green. ‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.
‘How far is it to the next village?’ asked the American tourist. ‘It’s about seven miles,’ guessed the farmer. ‘But it’s only five if you run!’
‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath. ‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
Read more one-liners below the photo.
‘I’d like some nails,’ Mick requested of the travelling tinker. ‘How long would you like them?’ asked the man. ‘Forever, if that’s all right with you,’ said Mick
‘I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!’
The walls in my flat, says Murphy, are so thin, that every time I ask my wife a question, I get three different answers
How do you confuse an Irishman? Put two shovels against a wall, and tell him to take his pick!
How would you recognise an Irish dog? It walks backwards and waggles its head
How would you recognise an Irishman in Holland? He’s the one wearing the wooden wellies
How would you recognise an Irish pirate? He’s the one with patches over both eyes.
Did ya hear about the Irishwoman with five legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove
Paddy says to O’Toole, Now that we’ve won the lottery what’ ll we do about the begging letters ? “Ah” says O’Toole, “we’ll just keep sending them.”
What do you call an Irishman who hass been dead for 50yrs…Peat
Cheers…And may ye be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows yer dead
Did you know says Murphy, there’s twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people
Did you hear about the Irishman that tried to blow up a car? He burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe
Irish dog sitting in front of the fire chewing on a bone, When he stood up his leg fell off
Two Irishmen stopped by the police for jaywalking, “Name?” said the sergeant to one ” O’Connor” says the first one. “Address?” says the sergeant. “No fixed abode” says O’Connor. “And you” said the sergeant, looking at the other. “O’Brien, and I live in the flat above him”.
Did you hear Ireland’s solved their unemployment problem? You don’t leave school till you are 65
Paddy was looking through The Bible in his hotel room when a leaflet fell from between the pages. It said “if you have a drink problem ring this number”. Paddy did, and he got an Off -licence in Royal Avenue.
Mick, said the barmaid,” What’s those two bulges in the front of your trousers”? “Ah” said Mick “they are hand grenades, for the next time that bum bandit O’Shaunessey tries to put his hands down there I’ll blow the bloody hands off him”
Man half Irish and half Scottish wants a pint, but cant bring himself about to pay for it
Two Irishmen heading home from the pub on a Friday night…”What’s that lying there” says Murphy, looking at the wee brown ball on the pavement. “It looks like dope” says O’Connell, picking it up. He squeezes it, smells it, and throws it down fast saying “shit man its dogs dirt”. “Jaysus “says Murphy”aren’t you lucky ya didn’t stand on it”
Hey, says O’Toole to the landlord, I didn’t get my change outta that machine!!…And they say change is inevitable replies the landlord…eh!! replies O’Toole, am I gettin ma change or not!!
What do ya call a leprechaun covered in cement? A wee hard man
See they’ve found a cure for arthritis says O’Leary. About time replies O’Gill. Aye says O’Leary – it says here they take all your bones out, not only do you feel a lot better you also feel much more relaxed’
Paddy caught cheating in his school exams asked the teacher how she found out. “It was easy “ replied the teacher…Murphy sitting in front of you put down for question number 10 “ I don’t know” and you put down, “neither do I”
All that money you had and now you’re skint says O’Kane to Murphy..what did you do with it all,? I spent most of it on women and drink and squandered the rest says Murphy
Paddy, says Mary, if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you? My uncle Mick replies Paddy…What’s so special about him asks Mary? He’s got a boat says Paddy
And still more one liners below the photo…..
Paddy asks Murphy “what’s that gong for you have hanging on the wall?” “That’s my speaking clock” replies Murphy. “How does that work?” asks Paddy. Murphy opens a drawer and gets out a hammer and thumps the gong, and a voice replies…”for God’s sake not again – its 2 o clock in the morning”
Dwarf goes into a British army recruiting office in Belfast to join up, but is refused because of his height. You could go over the border and try the Irish army. Will they take me he asks, they should he’s told, isn’t their national anthem…soldiers are wee?
Ugly girl came up to me in Donnegan’s Pub the other night and asked me what reincarnation means? I told her it means when you die you can come back as something else. She said ”when I die I want to come back as a dog” . I said “you are not bloody listening to me are you love’!!
Irish Scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you…the more you have the longer you live
Paddy thought Johnny Cash was change from a condom machine…he also thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease
Paddy, How is it when you’re drunk you can’t remember peoples’ names?…I’m not sure Murphy, replies Paddy, I think it must be a gift.
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