Religious Irish Jokes
Religious Irish Jokes
Two Irishmen considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. “What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? ” the one asked. The second replied, “Well, they were both founded by Spaniards — St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy — the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.”
“What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?”
“Met any Albigensians lately?”
Paddy walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, “How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?”
The Franciscan asked, “What’s a Mercedes Benz?”
The Jesuit asked, “What’s a novena?”
Two Irish Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. “Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?” he asked. His friend replied, “Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!”
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and an Paddy the Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world’s most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world’s largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, “Begod, I already got my wish!”
Little Paddy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father’s sleeve, he said, “Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?”
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”
But the Pope persists, “Please?” The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. Paddy the policeman notices and pulls him over and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, Paddy asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Paddy: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Paddy: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Paddy: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Paddy: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Chief: Who’s more important than the president?
Paddy: I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope driving for him!
Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man “Don’t jump! Think of your father”
Man replies “Haven’t got a father; I’m going to jump.”
The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says “haven’t got one; going to jump.”
Desperate the cop yells up “Don’t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin”
Man replies “Who is that?”
Cop yells “Jump, Protestant! You’re blocking traffic!”