More Religious Irish Jokes…
Even More religious Irish Jokes
Sister Eileen asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Mary declares, “I want to be a prostitute.”
“What did you say?!” asks the nun, totally shocked.
“I said I want to be a prostitute,” Mary repeats.
“Oh, thank heavens,” says Sister Eileen “I thought you said ‘a Protestant!'”
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a wee dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for him?”
Father Patrick replied, “I am so very sorry to hear about your dog’s death. But, unfortunately, I can’t say Mass for the poor creature…”
Muldoon said, “I understand, Father, I do. I guess I’ll go to this new denomination down the road; no tellin’ what they believe… Do you think €500 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick: “Why didn’t you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!”
Late one night, Paddy broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house, so Paddy crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes,” said the parrot. Paddy breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered Paddy. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus.”
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.
They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.
“Would ye look at that, Darby!” said Pat. “What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!” They both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. “Did ya see that, Darby?” Pat asked in shock and disbelief, “Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T’is a shame, I tell ya!”
Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. “Oh no, Darby, look!” said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, “One of the poor girls musta died….”
Father O’Malley and Paddy the bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to Fr O’Malley, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to Fr. O’Malley and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.”
Fr O’Malley says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!” St. Peter drops off Fr. O’Malley, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to Paddy the bus driver.
They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”
Paddy looks at St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than Fr. O’Malley?”
St. Peter just laughs and says “You brought more souls to Heaven! When Fr. O’Malley preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!”
Paddy and Abraham were talking and Paddy said, “My priest knows more than your rabbi.” Abraham said, “Of course he does, you tell him everything.”
Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery in Ireland and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he’s ever had.
After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Paddy.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Michael replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
Father turns to Brother Paddy and says, “Then you must be….”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk…”
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Paddy sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Little Paddy had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Paddy suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
Paddy replied, “Send the bill to my Brother-in-law.”
Paddy walks into a monastery and says “I want to be monk.”
The abbot replies “Great! But you realize we are not allowed to talk except every ten years.”
Paddy replies “Fine.”
Ten years go by and Paddy goes into the abbot’s office. The abbot asks, “Well my son what have you to say.
Paddy replies “Bed’s hard.”
The abbot remarks, “Is that it?”
Paddy says, “Yes”.
Another ten years go by and Paddy goes into the abbot’s office and says, “Food stinks!”
The abbot asks, “Is that it?”
Paddy says “Yes.”
Another ten years goes by and Paddy goes into the abbot’s office and says “Water’s cold. I quit!”
And the abbot replies, “Figures! You’ve been complaining ever since you got here!”
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.