Rude Irish Jokes
Rude Irish Jokes for St Patricks Day
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Babs or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Babs came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: “Babs, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.” Babs replied, “Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.”
A farmer from Ballymacoda
Was awarded a special diploma
For telling apart
A masculine fart from a similar female aroma
An Irish man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams ‘PIG!’ Astonished, the man turns and yells back, ‘BITCH!’ as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times. The drunk fellow in the confessional says, “It’s no use knockin’…There’s no paper in here either!
Murphy approached Mulligan’s bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said: ‘Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you’re not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil’s brew. Why don’t you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?’ ‘Hang on, Sisters,’ spluttered Murphy. ‘How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it’s wrong to form such a rash judgement when you’ve never tasted the stuff?’ ‘Very well,’ said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can’t go into the pub, so why don’t you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!’ ‘OK,’ said Murphy and into the bar he breezed. ‘I’ll have a large gin,’ he said to the barman. ‘And can you put it in a cup?’ ‘My God,’ said the barman, ‘that nun’s not outside again is she?’