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Slightly Bawdy Irish Jokes

Paddy’s Day Irish Jokes with a bawdy flavour…

 

Paddy walks into a pub in Galway with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: “Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.”  The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it’s the ostrich’s round. He walks up to the bar and says: “Beer for me, beer for Paddy, whisky for the cat.” Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them.

When it comes to the cat’s turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to “Sod off!” So Paddy goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.  Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: “I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn’t. Why do you hang out with him?” Paddy replies: “I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever.” “What did you wish for?” enquires the barman. “A long-legged bird with a tight pussy”


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Lassi says “Paddy we’ve been married along time. You’re good lookin and I think you’ve slept with alotta women. I won’t be mad but I would like to know how many if any. Paddy says. My lovely Lass you should know I never slept with anyone but you my Darlin. All the rest I was awake.


Patrick O’Malley hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night. In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?” So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.” The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?” She replied: “Aye – and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.


A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: “I think I can get you out.” So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: “Grab hold of my ‘thing’ and pull yourself up.” The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.  Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.